The Power of Making Specific Requests in Relationships

If you believe you’re expressing your needs to your partner, but they fail to fulfill them, it's possible that your communication isn’t as clear as you think.

Learning how to make very specific requests that define your desires and needs is a simple solution that gives your partner a clear understanding of what you need and want, so they can provide it to you.

In just a second I'll give a few examples of what I mean.

But first, let me just say that your partner probably wants nothing more than to provide you with what will meet your needs and fulfill you. They just need direct requests. If you're empathic and sensitive, you might be communicating in a less direct way - and not everybody picks up nuance at the same degree that you do, and might need things spelled out more.

One potent way to do this is to look into your biggest areas of complaint and figure out what the desire is that isn’t being met. Then, instead of complaining (which often turns to criticism and escalates from there) you can simply make descriptive, specific requests of what you discovered you do want from your partner, and ask from a place of being excited to receive it, and trusting your partner wants to provide it.

That is a very different energy to approach communication from! Here’s an example:

Instead of complaining to your partner that they aren’t listening, or making an ambiguous request that might sound more like a demand, “Listen to me.” You would say something detailed and specific like, “Honey, are you available this evening to give me your undivided attention for 10 minutes while I talk about my day, and can we be cuddling while I share?".

See the specifics?

Here’s another example, notice the distinction of when we ask our partner if they want to do something, or because we want to do it, but we aren’t clear in our invitation or the purpose of our invitation:

1. Do you want to go hear the live outdoor concert next week?

2. My favorite band is playing in an outdoor concert on Tuesday next week and I want to go, but I don’t want to go alone, will you accompany me?

3. My favorite band is playing in an outdoor concert on Tuesday next week and I want to go… and I really want YOU to go with me, will you come with me?

Did you notice the difference in these examples? In the first one, I’m asking my partner if they want to do something that I want.

In example 2, I’m sharing my desire to go and the specific request isn’t so much that I want them to go with me, but that I don’t want to alone.

In example 3, I am saying my desire is to go, WITH them. Both 2 and 3 are clear and specific requests.

It may take some practice, and the few first attempts might be messy, but those who stick with this are able to transform their relationships from a hopeless feeling of being worn down from trying things that don’t work - to an ever-growing capacity to communicate openly in ways that create more connection and expand your relationship.

I find with most of my clients when they learn how to articulate their needs and desires with this level of specificity, that it’s a total no-brainer for their partner to say yes and provide what was requested.

The partner may in fact sigh with relief, and say, “I finally know what they want, and I can so easily provide it!”. They feel like a winner! And so do you, when you finally get to be met by your partner in the way you want.

If this resonates with you, it might be time to learn how to communicate your needs and desires to your partner in a way that will lead to their clear understanding of you, so they can tend to you in the way you want.

This kind of process is how I guide clients in my 12-week 1-on-1 program. You learn to communicate your needs and desires in clear, specific and descriptive language that your partner will be able to understand, and follow through with. A win/win!

I also help you get in touch with your body, which is an effective access point to feeling connected to yourself, including your desires and needs, as well as helping you unwind any areas that feel stuck from past pain.

The process over the 12 weeks ultimately helps caring people heal and grow into being masterful receivers of attuned, quality attention from the people they care about, who care about them.

If you’re interested in this program, and want to see if you’re a good fit, send me an email and we’ll have a quick chat.